Post by maryjane on Aug 22, 2010 15:37:23 GMT -5
SO ERASE THE DAMAGES WE'VE MADE
THE STORY LEFT UNTOLD IS BETTER THAN YOU KNOW
Those pregnancy books and what not weren’t too helpful. Did they ever explain how to feel in the situation that you would have a miscarriage? Did any of them tell Mary Jane on how to tell Noah that they weren’t having a kid? No. none of that was mentioned at all. Shame, really, because that was what was fucking important right now. She had no idea how to tell him. Sure, it’d been days since everything had happened; her noticing blood, going to her doctor, being told straight up what was wrong. That had probably been one of the few moments in her life where she’d felt her heart stop. She hadn’t been able to talk at all; her voice had gotten lost somewhere inside her throat. She really hadn’t said anything for a day or two afterwards. Who was there to talk to other than the customers at work? No one. Sure, she had Noah. Actually, she had to talk to Noah. She had to tell him. However, there had been no chance to. This really wasn’t the sort of thing you’d call your fiancé about and explain over the phone. ‘Hey honey, how’s work? I’m good, same old. Oh, by the way, I had a miscarriage.’ It didn’t work that way. He’d been busy the past few days, always coming back home late from work, after she had made herself go to bed. There really hadn’t been too much of a chance in the past few days. In fact, she had told herself she needed to tell hi m tonight. That had been the plan. She’d stood in front of the mirror trying to figure out the best way to word this. It was one of those sensitive situations where you couldn’t exactly be all ‘we’re not having a baby anymore, because my body was stupid and pretty much decided I couldn’t have a baby this first time.’ She’d stood in front of that god damn bathroom mirror for over an hour or two practicing how she would say it. She had been ready to tell him too. The instant he had walked through the door, the words ‘we need to talk’ had been on the tip of her tongue, until she’d saw that Garret and Winter were with him too. Well. That shoved the words right back down to the bottom of her throat.
Sitting next to him on the couch, idly playing with the cup in her hands, she bit the corner of her lip, her mind barely taking in the words that were being exchanged between the four of them. Really, her mind wasn’t there at all. She was slightly frustrated, she would admit. Not with Noah, per se (though she did think it unfair he didn’t even bother calling her and telling her that winter and Garret were coming, as that put a damper on everything she had been trying to work on for hours earlier on), but mad at herself for waiting this long to even say a thing. She debated waiting until tomorrow, waiting until Garret and Winter left. Course, who knew when that would be? In an hour, in three, in five? She wouldn’t be able to sit there for another five hours wanting to tell him this. It was already making her feel slightly sick to her stomach, the idea of just telling him. Delaying it even more than it had already been delayed just made her want to throw up. Pushing herself up off the couch, she excused herself for a minute, wondering if there was even the chance any of them had picked up on how quiet her voice was. That was just how to tell something was bothering her. She wasn’t quiet, not in the slightest, ever. It was actually kind of really odd for Mary Jane to be quiet. Only whenever something was on her mind was she quiet. And well, this was a big something on her mind, really. As she closed the bathroom door behind her, she glanced at herself in the mirror, noticing how she looked how she felt; slightly sick. God, she needed to do this soon. She couldn’t hold this back.
Why the fuck was she even holding back? All her life she had been the girl that told it like it was. How she was feeling. She’d never been afraid to just tell whoever she was with that she had cramps, that her stomach bothered her, that she wanted to smack so-and-so, etc. she’d never held back anything that she wanted to say in her life, and here she was, trying to prolong this even more. This wasn’t her. This wasn’t the Mary Jane that had never been afraid to say what she had to say, whatever was on her mind. God damnit, she was telling him, even if she had to pull him off to another room or whatever and tell him. Taking a breath, she collected herself for a second before pulling the bathroom door again and walking back into the living room. Now… how exactly was she going to do this…? Fuck. That practicing in front of the mirror for an hour didn’t help much…
“Noah… I need to talk to you..” She said somewhat softly, tugging at his sleeve slightly. Ha. Like that’d work. Whenever he got talking with them all it was almost impossible to drag him away. Tugging on his sleeve a bit more, she mumbled his name a few times, trying to get him to at least turn around so she could look him in the eye to tell him that they needed to talk. But nope. He was caught up in whatever they were taking about, and it took her a minute to realize that the baby was bought up. Fuck, no.. no.. Biting her lip, she shook her head, letting her fingers fall from his sleeve. “There’s no baby.” She muttered in a shaky voice, her eyes down on the couch that they were sitting on. Locking her fingers together, she closed her eyes tight, not sure if she could look up at him in the face to say this. Whatever bit of courage she had had to tell this to his face was gone. She just wanted to go back up to bed and curl up under the sheets until tomorrow, until next week, until whenever she was able to look at him dead in the eye. “The baby…. It’s… i…” Inhaling sharply, she shook her head again, taking a breath, opening her eyes, only to look at her fingers. “I had a… Noah, I’m sorry… It was a mi… it was a miscarriage..” was that really her voice that cracked, sounding as though she was about to cry? Fuck, this wasn’t how this was supposed to go. Garret and Winter weren’t supposed to be there, they should have been upstairs, alone, talking about this. They should have been anywhere else, just the two of them talking about this. But she couldn’t have waited that long. How anyone could’ve held the fact that they had a miscarriage to themselves was beyond her. Sure, it felt better to tell him, but the reality of it was sitting in. here they were, sitting with two of their best friends in the room, her voice cracking and her eyes stinging as she willed herself not to cry, to not look up at Noah, her having just told Noah that they weren’t having a baby. Was there any way to go back three months?LEIGH AS NOAH <3 - 1260 WORDS - I IS SAD :c